Life is never a destination. That’s what I’ve learned in my 26 years on this Earth.
As I mentioned in a previous blog, I thought my happiness would come once I owned a home of my own. I thought putting roots down somewhere would be my way of taking stake in my community and providing stability for my children. It isn’t that I’m not happy, it’s just that I’ve redefined my definition of happiness.
My happiness is about life’s journey. It’s a collection of moments, memories along the way. It’s about problem solving, achieving what I know I am capable of, and pushing myself toward what I think I’m not capable of. It’s about teaching my children lessons that will stick with them for the rest of their lives, about overcoming strife and hardships, about creating a bond with the people that are important in my life. Life is never a destination, it’s a journey.
Speaking of life, my life has thrown a curveball at me, as it most often does. I spoke in my post(Anxiety and Embolism, Part Two) about my recurrent pulmonary emboli and the impact it has had on my life. In my most recent dr’s visit, I was informed that I will have to continue to take blood thinners for the duration of my life. I’m struggling with that. I’ve been counting down the days in which I wouldn’t have to rely on a blood thinner to remain healthy. Hearing that there isn’t an end in sight threw me into a bit of a depression.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am extremely thankful that I have the opportunity to address my medical condition with medication. I’m thankful that we caught it in time and that I’ll be able to see my children grow up. I’m not lost on the fact that there are plenty of illnesses out there that don’t have the sort of treatment that I have at my fingertips. I genuinely have empathy for those people.
But learning that I’ll have to medication lifelong is a blow I wasn’t expecting. Giving what I know about myself, it’s scary. I have a very hard time remembering to take medication regularly (independently). It’s scary to think that forgetting my medication can have an impact on me beyond the psychological realm. (and trust me..that’s scary enough!) It’s scary to think that if I ever encounter a period of time without medical insurance again, my life will be at risk.
Another piece of the puzzle has to do with anxiety. There isn’t really an explanation as to why I developed clots again. It shouldn’t have happened while on blood thinners. The dr. says “medication failure”. That’s scary to me. What happens if this medication fails? How do I know–other than recognizing the symptoms and getting myself to the dr. What if there aren’t any symptoms? What if we don’t catch in soon enough? HOW DO I KNOW??
I don’t. And I can’t. I have to figure out how to live my life with that anxiety. I know at some point, I will be more in tune to what is happening inside my body. I won’t have an anxiety attack just thinking about the what ifs in relation to my condition. Taking my medication will feel like just a part of life, second nature.
I’ve been told by a few individuals that this isn’t a big deal. Again, PERCEPTION IS REALITY and it’s a huge deal to me. I’m nervous, scared, and downright disappointed that this happened again. I want to go back to being healthy and low maintenance.
Journey-My journey right now is testing the boundaries that I previously set for myself and accepting my new reality. It’s pushing myself to become comfortable with this new life and figuring out how to cope. Life is so funny sometimes.
Also, shout out to my AMAZING husband for ensuring EVERY DAY that I get my medications exactly when I’m supposed to. I don’t know where I would be without him.