Flabbergasted. Shocked.  Stunned.

That’s what I felt this morning at my follow up appointment with my hematologist. As I wrote about in my blog post Anxiety and Embolism, some of my concerning symptoms resurfaced over the last month or so. I went into this appointment fully ready to hear that my symptoms were psychosomatic, caused by everything I have going on psychologically right now. Wrong!

The good news is that the embolism that landed me in the hospital at the end of last year has shrunk. The bad news is that I have another one in my other lung.

I’m relieved to know I’m not crazy (ha, well in that sense), but overwhelmed to know that I am still dealing with this. My hematologist told me that the minimum treatment now is a blood thinner for two years, instead of one. I was starting to look forward to the day that I could throw away that bottle of pills and begin a new, less worrisome part of my life. I’m frustrated and sad.

My hematologist was surprised that the blood clot was still there. He kept asking me if I’m taking my blood thinner regularly, which I AM. (religiously)

I don’t want this post to seem overly negative, but I really am struggling with this news. I realize it could be a lot worse, that others have had far worse consequences because of a pulmonary embolism. I know that far more than I wish to.

Today, I will allow myself to grieve my old, healthier physical life. I will loathe this day, ask why me. I will feel sorry for myself and allow myself to feel all of these intense emotions brought on by my CT results. I’ve learned that it’s ok to feel however it is I’m feeling. It isn’t okay to wallow in my fear, my misery. I have far too many people depending on me in my life for that.

So, tomorrow, I will accept it as my new truth and move on with my life. I will follow my doctor’s advice and increase my physical activity. I will continue to take my medication as prescribed. I will not let my anxiety consume me.

Today though, I’m already beat.

-overwhelmed and frustrated