I talked about my pulmonary embolism in my blog post Totally Tubular.

Tomorrow, I go for my repeat chest CT to check and see what progress I have made since my diagnosis in December. I’m terrified for a few reasons.

The hematologist told me the lower right section of my lung suffered from infarction, or tissue death. For the past month and a half, I have had chest pain and a nasty cough that produces green mucus. (Sorry if that grosses anyone out.) Since I am on blood thinners, the primary care physician isn’t too concerned that the symptoms are brought on by another embolism, but after two rounds of strong antibiotics within the last month, my condition has not improved. While I never really stopped coughing up mucus since before the diagnosis, it improved and hadn’t been as thick or as much after a few months on blood thinners.

She suggested that I go for a chest CT, but since my CT was already scheduled with my hematologist, I decided to wait it out instead of risking the chance that insurance will not pay for the CT. It was a matter of days-I would have done my chest CT on Friday if I followed her advice, versus waiting until tomorrow. She believes there may be a pocket of bacteria in the right lower section of my lung that is resistant to the antibiotics. That can only be confirmed with a CT scan.

If that is the case, the two treatment options are long term antibiotics or surgery, depending on the severity of the situation.

As I’ve talked about before, anxiety is an issue. It hasn’t been easy dealing with the chest pain and cough knowing what I know about what landed me in the hospital in December. I haven’t been public with my recent struggle because the last time I was, my openness was met with skepticism and doubt. I can’t really handle that right now, so I’ve only shared what’s going on with a few close friends and my family members-until today.

I’ve been dealing with the issue mostly by just ignoring it. I know that isn’t healthy, but I don’t want to be consumed by anxiety and I don’t seem to have a middle ground right now. I’m either consumed or just not willing to talk about it.

As I mentioned in the link above, my struggle with a pulmonary embolism goes deeper than just dealing with a medical diagnosis. My best friend passed away from the same illness and with every coughing fit, my heart longs to have my friend back. It breaks my heart to think about what she struggled with in dealing with this. Every fiber of my being wishes that she would have had a different outcome. She didn’t and I’m stuck here without her. Everyone is stuck here without her. She would have been my person to call when feeling anxious and dealing with this. She always had the ability to meet my fears with facts and coming from her, it was calming.

Anyway, tomorrow is the day that I [HOPEFULLY] put this anxiety to rest. It would be awesome to hear that my emboli have resolved. An even better bit of news would be that all I need to do to fix this ongoing lung issue is to take a pill. I’m looking forward to the day that I will be able to close this chapter of my life. I don’t want to deal with this for the rest of my life.